This is the only way I know to cope...

I haven't used this site as much as I probably should. It's not like I'm too busy, or that I never have anything to say (because if you knew me, you know I always have something to say). Perhaps I should start using it more often to better help cope with this horrible depressing season I've been in.

I woke up this morning around 11:30, and it was my off day, so it felt great to sleep in. But, as I got out of my bed, it hit me again. It was the first thought on my mind. And it has stuck with me for this entire day.

Depression has hit me this year: hard. Like a ton of bricks. I have my weeks if not months where everything is fine. But this past two months have probably been the hardest. What I am finding is that depression is not limited. There are a million ways that it can take over.

Feeling alone in a crowded room.

Feeling like you can cry for no particular reason at all.

A lack of sleep even though you're getting eight hours of sleep a night.

Physical pain without physical injury.

Laughing on the outside, but doubting on the inside.

Though people say they know what you're going through, you still feel like you can't talk about it because they won't understand your situation.

An altogether lack of understanding from other people which leads to a complete lack of empathy or much needed break from school/work.

These are just a few that I've personally felt in the past two months. But, how do you overcome this? I am a Christian. If you are close to me, you know I have a prayer life. I've probably prayed with you one-on-one before. I've probably even counseled you in some way in the past. There's no doubt that I know I have Someone I can talk to on a daily basis, and I KNOW He can make it all go away. I'm also a realist. I truly believe that if you're going to pray for something, you have to put boots on the ground to make it happen, too. If you're praying for a financial breakthrough yet you're not saving money, then it isn't going to happen. If you're praying to lose weight yet you're sitting on the couch watching Netflix all day (this is me, btw), then it isn't going to happen. But how do you pray for God to take your depression away and put it into action? "You can talk to friends?" But I feel alone when I talk to friends. I feel like they won't understand. "You could get on medications." But, what about becoming addicted? "You won't become addicted." How do you know that?

There are so many questions I have as to what I'm supposed to do. It literally feels like a lose-lose situation when you think that even a doctor will not be able to help. And, let me just say that in no way do I feel suicidal. I've been down that road, and I'm nowhere near that thought process.

If I could have it my way, I would take a sabbatical: to get away from everything and everyone, and try to find out exactly who Cody is.

If you've read this far, thank you! It means a lot to me! I'm open to any private messages or comments for encouragement or answers you may have that could better point me in a different direction than I'm currently going in.

Yah Is My Strength

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:
“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory.”
At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”
Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.” Isaiah 6:1-7

     One of the greatest revelations of my life came from reading these verses. July 13, 2017, I attended our church's camp. During that time, I was reminded of this incredible passage of Scripture from my worship pastor, Pastor Jai. When she read it, something stood out to me that I never caught before, and it was the name of the king, Uzziah. Intrigued, I looked up what "Uzziah" meant in the Hebrew (the language of the Old Testament), and it translates to "Yah is my strength." "Yah" translates to "Yahweh," which means God.  
    
     With this in mind, God showed me that when strength is dead, we can still encounter the Lord. There are so many situations in this life that can really sidetrack us, and make us think we don't have the strength to get overcome it. We allow the enemy to place a spirit of fear and doubt in our mind, and so many times, we stay there. 

     Can I just say that no matter how much of our strength is gone, or even if there's none left, you can still encounter the presence of the Lord. 

     Three questions to ponder:

• Are you ruined? Are you tired of the life you've been living; a life that's been draining all of your strength from you?
• Are you honest? Was the question above really true? 
• Are you willing? God is looking for someone to send. Is that "someone" you?

Be inspired.

Rejection Is A Lie from the Enemy

     Going through elementary and well into middle school, I dealt with a lot of rejection. I wore glasses. I had hearing aids. I smelled like cigarette smoke. I was this; I was that. In the midst of it all, I felt the only way to overcome this time in my life was to become somebody I wasn't. I would act a certain way to get people's attention; manipulate people into feeling bad for me therefore letting me get my way. I played the system when it came to people.
     Very recently, the ugly face of rejection showed up in my life again. Although I don't want to talk about the situation, I was reminded how easy it is for me to give in to rejection. For example, I used to feel instantly rejected when I saw pictures of my friends out and about having fun, yet I had never received an invite. I used to feel rejected when people would completely skip over me to ask someone else to complete a task. I used to feel rejected when someone would get promoted before me, although I had been there twice as long as they have.
     Rejection is a lie from the enemy. It's an easy way for the enemy to let us know that we'll never amount to anything. Rejection is my worst enemy. My whole life I always wanted to know my life was worth something, and many times, I tried to find that worth in people, materialistic things, and habitual lust. I always came out empty.
     Recently, I started reading "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. In reading it, I felt instantly convicted in letting rejection have the best of my days. Joyce emphasizes many times to choose to think positive thoughts about every situation. Instead of feeling bad for yourself or feeling rejected, think about all of the experiences in your life where you've been celebrated, loved, and lifted up. In my own life, I shouldn't look at a picture of my friends having fun without me, and feel left out; I should think about the time my friends threw a "just because" party to honor me. I shouldn't focus on that co-worker getting a promotion; I should focus on the blessing of having a job.
     Let me encourage you if rejection is something you're currently dealing with. I don't want to sound too religious or cliché when I say this, but - ultimately - when it is all said and done, Jesus is all you'll ever need. People cannot define you. Materialistic things cannot find you. Habitual sin, though may be a temporary fix, cannot define you. You are who Jesus says you are; and He says you're His own.

O Come to the Altar

Before the wheels left the ground in Birmingham, Alabama, I was already being tested in my faith. It was already a giant leap of faith flying to St. Louis on a one way ticket. I'm thankful that I've gotten this far, too. But, the test began when I was asked a very "controversial" question.

While I was sitting on the plane, I got to know the man beside me. He was an elderly man, flying to Texas to bring home his son from the war. What an honor to hear his story. He asked me what I was going to St. Louis for, and I told him I was moving there to be apart of the Joyce Meyer Ministry, serving at the St. Louis Dream Center in inner-city STL. There was a guy a few rows in front of me who turned around and got my attention. He asked me "What do you think about all of the controversy going on in Ferguson? And, how do you respond when someone ask for your opinion?" With the whole Ferguson situation still fresh on peoples' minds, I knew he was just trying to stir the pot.

My response to him made him mad because I decided to speak out of truth and love. I told that man what my Pastor back at home always said: "The greatest opinion to have is to not have one at all." My job is to love people right where they are. It doesn't matter what color there skin is or what there sexual orientation is. I don't get to have an opinion.

With all of this being said, I entitled this post as "O Come to the Alter." My heart is conflicted knowing there are people - like the guy I encountered on the plane - who only want to point out what the issues or situations are. We can be so occupied with circumstances that we: 1. Miss what God is trying to show us. 2. Get in the way of what God is trying to do in our lives. 3. Stone someone because of their sin not knowing we're just as sinful.

We look at people and think "I'm bad, but I'm not THAT bad." May I submit to you that we ALL have sinned, and are need of a Savior. It doesn't matter what theology you follow. It doesn't matter what denomination you attend. Jesus wants us to ALL come to the altar.

In the song "O Come to the Altar," there is a lyric that says:

"Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today there's no reason to

wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes a new life is born
Jesus is calling"

I truly believe this is what Jesus wants for you. So when someone ask you a controversial question, respond with love, and watch the steam flare from their ears. "Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that."

Moving to St. Louis

Moving to St. Louis has probably been the biggest thing to ever happen in my own life. It signified a lot of things for me. I would (really) be on my own now. I would be eight hours away from home. I would be in a new environment where I barely knew anyone. The only people I would know were the few I met while here on a mission trip two months ago.

Where it began:
I came to St. Louis in March 2015, and honestly, I had no prior decision to move at that time. Back in Tuscaloosa, I had a job, I had a car, I had money. It's not to say that I regret anything because I don't have any of that now; but, it goes to say that I was pretty comfortable with my life back in Tuscaloosa. So, we spend a week in St. Louis, and I just fell in love with this place.

One night, during street ministry, we visited a place known here as Tent City. I spent the next 45 minutes chatting with a man named Chad. I would say that conversation is what convinced me that I would be moving to St. Louis. I told the team leaders later on that night that I wanted to go back to Tent City because I felt I had missed something that God was trying to show me. We were not able to make it back due to our schedule, but God gave me a revelation in that. Maybe God didn't want the team to go back; maybe God wanted only me to go back. And, it would make sense since I was the only one God called back to St. Louis.

In 2012, I had the incredible opportunity to visit both the Los Angeles and New York Dream Center. They were both remarkable opportunities, and the impact was great. After both of those trips, I felt compelled to return; yet, God would always close those doors. It's like He had something better for me. And, rightfully so. Because it led me to St. Louis, the perfect medium (literally geographically). God's timing is perfect. He knows what He is doing.

Where I am now:
I've been in St. Louis now for two and a half weeks. When I got off the plane, I took one look at my surroundings, and I asked myself "What in the world am I doing?" It's not that I doubted myself. I have full confidence that this is where God wants me. But, it reaffirmed why I came back.

This city has been a huge blessing to me. The love and support I have received since getting here has been overwhelming. I have the most incredible opportunity to serve in youth ministry again, which has always been a huge passion of mine, and that youth has shown me great hospitality. I'm working with mission teams, too, so that I can sow back into what brought me to St. Louis in the beginning. And, I'm working with the Street Ministry so I can be apart what had a major impact on my life. So, God has blessed me tremendously to be apart of these teams.

The interns have been equally hospitable. They have helped me out and have shown me so much since I've been here. They have encouraged me, kept me laughing, and accepted me like I had been here for years. I truly feel welcomed in St. Louis.

If I could just encourage anyone about the impact mission trips can have on you, I would say just go for it. Take a week, step out of your comfort zone, and experience God like you've never experienced before. And, you will experience Him. The prayers you pray due to discomfort, stress, or even homesickness, will show you how powerful God is. You will feel Him closer more than ever before.

Finding Where I Belong

     It was December of 2012; I had just gotten back from a mission trip to Los Angeles. In the back of my mind, I knew I had it coming. My father had sat down with me many times and told me that if I did not get my priorities straight, I could be homeless. I was working as a server where tips were bare minimum, and my paychecks were never above $5.00. My car was in and out of shops and I was hitching rides everywhere I was going. It finally came down to the point where my father- showing the tough love of a father- told me it was time for me to move forward. And, I'm so glad he gave me that push. It served as a motivation and put me in the position I am in now.

     From there, I moved back in with my mom. I lived with her for about a month or so when I got the offer to have a place of my own. A friend that I had confided in reached out and told me he would allow me to stay in his camper; fully furnished with power. He knew I was trying to get my finances situated, so at that moment, told me to do what I could do to help out with the running of the camper. I took it for granted, and ultimately had to move out of the camper. I was truly blessed to have spent nine months living there. I tell you one thing, though; surviving thunderstorms in that camper surely was interesting.

     After I moved from the camper, my dad gave me the opportunity to move back in with him, only with the exception that I was actively searching for a place of my own. There had been plans with my brothers to rent out a house, but those plans fell through. Reality was becoming brutal; I was going to be homeless. That was until my aunt gave me the chance to stay with her. I spent the last three holidays of 2013 with my aunt and her family. After those three months, I knew I needed to try this whole "find my own place" once again. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED living with my aunt. But, as a 23 year old, it wasn't settling well with my pride. So, I set out to sign my first ever lease at an apartment complex.

     January 2014; I have moved into my first apartment with three other roommates (one whom I've done ministry work with for years). For the next five months, I would struggle a schedule working two jobs, and trying to find a way to pay for my room monthly, as well as a new car payment that came up due to my previous car finally biting the dust. I was making enough money to maintain my living, but I was irresponsible in my spending. Any chance I got, I was splurging on anything and everything unnecessary. It finally took it's toll on me when in May, I tried to end my life. There were many other things that were reasons for this, but finances were one of the main things. I just could not catch a break. So, a week and a half later, I moved into a house where a friend of mine graciously gave me a room.

     June 2014; I'm laying in a bed in a house that's only about five years old. From the houses I've lived in before, nothing compared to the house I was living in now. I had a flashback from when I was a kid, riding around Buttermilk Road at Christmas time, and seeing Woodland Forrest's brick wall, thinking "I'm going to live there one day." And, it became my reality.

     While this is probably the longest blog I've posted, I say it all to say this; I am finding where I belong. It has taken a year of being on my own- completely away from any family- to realize where I belong. It hurts not to be under the same roof as my mom or dad, but there comes a moment in life where you have to move forward. Granted, it took me a few more years than most, but I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have parents who believed in me and pushed me to be the best person I could be. Yes, I still struggle financially. Yes, I am homesick. Yes, I am only human. But, in this experience, I have realized that every stressful moment was a moment taken from God. It was a moment where I realized that joy was there all along; I just had to take hold of it.

     Never give up. God isn't done with you. It may take you a year to find out who you are and what you are doing with your life, but in the end, it's worth it.

Understanding is Actions to Help

     I would like to preface this whole article by saying that pain is universal. We all have our own source of what we call "pain." It's foolishness to say "I've been through more than you" when you've never walked a mile in their shoes. Keep that in mind as you read this.     

     Today is my birthday, and I want to take this opportunity to shed a light on something that is very close to my heart. Until five months ago, I never thought I would be the victim of something that is becoming a common thread in this day and age. This is suicide.

     "For young people 15-24 years old, suicide is the second leading cause of death."

     May 9th, 2014, I found myself in a very scary place. If it wasn't one thing, it was another, and I could not catch a break. It's too much to go into detail, but at that point in my life, I was done. I had just got home from work, and was sitting in my apartment will some sleeping pills in my hand. I fought with myself going through every scenario in my mind. I didn't know what to do. I had been completely overtaken by some spirit, and I could not break free. My mindset was "if I could just go to sleep for a long time, maybe all of these problems I've been having will disappear." Before I could fight any longer, I remember putting the pills in my mouth, and swallowing all of them. Out of complete fear, I called the paramedics almost immediately.

     I spent that night in the ICU after a series of test and stomach pumps, and had the whole night to completely rethink my life. The most mortifying thing that happened was having to see my Mom and Dad see me the way they did. It was a look I will never forget.

     I bring this up because suicide attempts are becoming more and more every year. The statistics are staggering. I found hope in a Man named Jesus over a decade ago, and I still found myself in a position where I could have ended my life. Had I not acted quickly, and had I survived even after not calling the ambulance, I could be on dialysis for the rest of my life. That's how much my dosage was. "Ah, that's not a lot." For me, it was. It was enough for me to feel like I didn't want to live anymore.

     If you are depressed and feel like there is no hope, talk to somebody. You don't have to fight this fight alone. I am so thankful for two incredible men of God (and my family) who stood by me and fought for me in that time. Even after a suicide attempt, I was so ashamed to show my face to anyone; but the LORD put a new Word on my lips, and I've been on fire ever since. God is greater than suicide. I pray and hope this helps somebody to speak out about their demons. God bless!

For more information and statistics on suicide, visit: http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=705D5DF4-055B-F1EC-3F66462866FCB4E6

Knowing is understanding, and understanding is actions to helping.