I haven't used this site as much as I probably should. It's not like I'm too busy, or that I never have anything to say (because if you knew me, you know I always have something to say). Perhaps I should start using it more often to better help cope with this horrible depressing season I've been in.
I woke up this morning around 11:30, and it was my off day, so it felt great to sleep in. But, as I got out of my bed, it hit me again. It was the first thought on my mind. And it has stuck with me for this entire day.
Depression has hit me this year: hard. Like a ton of bricks. I have my weeks if not months where everything is fine. But this past two months have probably been the hardest. What I am finding is that depression is not limited. There are a million ways that it can take over.
Feeling alone in a crowded room.
Feeling like you can cry for no particular reason at all.
A lack of sleep even though you're getting eight hours of sleep a night.
Physical pain without physical injury.
Laughing on the outside, but doubting on the inside.
Though people say they know what you're going through, you still feel like you can't talk about it because they won't understand your situation.
An altogether lack of understanding from other people which leads to a complete lack of empathy or much needed break from school/work.
These are just a few that I've personally felt in the past two months. But, how do you overcome this? I am a Christian. If you are close to me, you know I have a prayer life. I've probably prayed with you one-on-one before. I've probably even counseled you in some way in the past. There's no doubt that I know I have Someone I can talk to on a daily basis, and I KNOW He can make it all go away. I'm also a realist. I truly believe that if you're going to pray for something, you have to put boots on the ground to make it happen, too. If you're praying for a financial breakthrough yet you're not saving money, then it isn't going to happen. If you're praying to lose weight yet you're sitting on the couch watching Netflix all day (this is me, btw), then it isn't going to happen. But how do you pray for God to take your depression away and put it into action? "You can talk to friends?" But I feel alone when I talk to friends. I feel like they won't understand. "You could get on medications." But, what about becoming addicted? "You won't become addicted." How do you know that?
There are so many questions I have as to what I'm supposed to do. It literally feels like a lose-lose situation when you think that even a doctor will not be able to help. And, let me just say that in no way do I feel suicidal. I've been down that road, and I'm nowhere near that thought process.
If I could have it my way, I would take a sabbatical: to get away from everything and everyone, and try to find out exactly who Cody is.
If you've read this far, thank you! It means a lot to me! I'm open to any private messages or comments for encouragement or answers you may have that could better point me in a different direction than I'm currently going in.
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